Prerequisites for a healthy relationship (cont'd)

Here are two more important ingredients or prerequisites necessary to grow a healthy relationship. Again, the research results are from Dr. John Gottman's

extensive research on what makes healthy relationships and marriages truly happy and healthy. We all strive for healthy relationships and too often we are not real sure about the "how" and "what" to do to reach this goal. The next two prerequisites can be viewed as "vitamins" for building strong relationship bones.

3.) Effective repair attempts: After a failed argument, unresolved conflict, or following a conversation where hurtful things were said, couples who succeed in growing a healthy relationship have effective repair attempts. If there are no attempts to repair the damage then the sentiment surrounding the relationship becomes tense, negative, and uncertain. So, what is a repair attempt? It could be something as simple as saying, "I am so sorry I said those words. They must have hurt you deeply and made you feel like I do not care for you." Or, some couples will tie a white handkerchief on a cupboard door handle or light a tall pillar candle, both indicating that one wants to sit down and mend the relationship. Repair attempts are more successful for those who communicate higher levels of love and admiration to their partner when they are not fighting.

In summary, people need to reconnect to their partner or family members after there has been an argument or conflict. This keeps love alive.

4.) Respecting your partner's dreams, needs, and expectations while hanging onto your own. We all enter relationships with dreams, needs, and expectations, especially when it comes to marriage relationships because they are the most important relationships we will ever be involved in. Each individual in a marriage, or other relationships, has implicit dreams or set of expectations about how they want things to be in order to feel loved and to love. Often, when a couple find themselves arguing or struggling with the same issue(s) over and over again, it is usually because one or both individuals have a dream or expectations that are not being adequately fulfilled. As a result, they begin to feel a low grade type of resentment or disappointment so they become less willing or less interested in helping their partner fulfill their dreams or meet their expectations. There is the belief that if they willingly support their partner's dreams or meet their expectations, they are giving up the chance that their dreams and expectations will not be honored and fulfilled. It is a little like believing that if they do not care about mine, why should I care and value theirs. This sounds a little immature but when things we value are not being

heard and honored, then why would I value and support my partner's dreams and expectations? Love is risky and must be unconditional as well as self-sacrificing. So, ask your partner what their dreams and expectations are and how can you best help them in these areas. Love does not seek its own!